“All life’s a stage, goofballs.”
- Salvatore D’Intern, in conversation

1. The first public record of Salvatore D’Intern was at the age of 14 when it is reported in the New York Daily News that he, as well as two other men, were the main catalysts in defusing a robbery at Kossar’s Bialys at 367 Grand Street and managing to sedate the perpetrators until the police could arrive.

2. At age 16 Salvatore began performing the stand-up comedy circuit in lower Manhattan when a female instructor at the Stella Adler school insisted that the Adlers accept this boy into their program. As a young actor, Salvatore was said to have gotten so engrossed in the roles he played that during the time period when the shows were running he would often turn into a bum, never keeping a place of residence, and hitting the streets directly after a performance, mumbling as if he were still the character he was playing.

3. From age 17 to 19 he was known to support himself as a boxer and, more so, a street fighter. It is estimated that he was in as many as three hundred fights, usually fighting every night and sometimes two or three fights a day. His record in the ring was 22-0-1 with 12 knockouts. His record outside the ring is unknown.

4. It was Salvatore’s flamboyant attire that he wore to the fights—clothing he would tailor himself—which helped land Salvatore his next position as a designer for Fabrizio Fleming, a maker of men’s suits and ties. Salvatore & Fabrizio clashed creatively and Salvatore quit after only three weeks, pushing over the coffee machine on his way out.

5. Salvatore continued to freelance as a neighborhood tailor as well as sell clothing at consignment shops and flea markets until a fire in his apartment building destroyed all his tools and supplies. Destitute, Salvatore slept in subway cars until he had saved up enough money street-performing to rent out a locker at Grand Central Station from which to headquarter his new business venture: delivering and selling grilled cheese sandwiches to drunk people late at night around the city. With the only costs being the cheese, the bread, the iron to make the sandwiches, and the brown paper bags, Salvatore had found a fairly lucrative trade, which also kept his days free.

6. Sal was able to hire a few teenagers from his neighborhood to run a good part of the grilled cheese gig. Inspired by Jeopardy, Sal began using his time away from the business in libraries, catching up on all the information he had failed to obtain by not attending high school. Within a few short months Sal had taken the test for and received his GED and immediately set his sights on the SATs. With the help of two tutors at the public library, who both offered to tutor him pro-bono in exchange for some free grilled cheese now and then, Salvatore managed to score extremely high.

7. After forging three recommendation letters to gain admission, Salvatore arrived at Middlebury College and immediately discovered a voracious passion for learning, which could not be adequately satisfied at Middlebury. Salvatore transferred to Brown and proceeded to attend every Ivy League institution in alphabetical order (Brown, Columbia, Dartmouth, Harvard, Pennsylvania, Princeton, Yale), garnering assorted BA, BFA, BS, etc. degrees. Salvatore then went off to study postmodernism, video, new media, computer science, and medicine in Paris, Switzerland, and Amsterdam. He was a simultaneous Rhodes and Fulbright scholar at Oxford & Manchester. While studying in Europe, Salvatore accepted the position as Ambassador to Egypt and was instrumental in defusing a plot to blow up the pyramids twice.

8. However, it was Salvatore’s wild, break-the-rules lifestyle which eventually ousted him from his position in Egypt and, like dominoes, blacklisted him from all the major and minor institutions across Europe. Known as a sometime drunk, all-the-time drug addict, and every-time philanderer, Salvatore was unable even to step foot on certain universities’ property or be subject to severe penalty. His several attempts to visit old students and rekindle old romances earned Salvatore many a night in jail and 17 grand in fines.

9. Stuck in a situation he knew all too well, broke and this time with a police record, Salvatore began looking for work around Rome and luckily a lively restauranteur took a chance on him as a bus boy for the night owl shift. The restaurant, La Bon Noche (The Good Night Café & Lounge), at the time and still is the largest and most complicated restaurant in the world. Le Bon Noche features 17 floors of dining, 12 bars, 2 ice cream parlors, 6 bakeries, a wind tunnel, 3 heated balconies, and 92 coke machines. Sal soon moved up from bus boy to server and became known for his impeccable service, photographic memory, and positive attitude. He was the first server to serve while wearing roller skates as well as the first to stop wearing them. Also known for his high pain threshold, Salvatore refused to miss a shift at work and for a period of six weeks he would continue to take orders and serve food despite the fact that he was on crutches from a leg injury obtained in a pick up soccer game. Despite his tenacity and willingness to work no matter what the circumstance, Sal was eventually fired as customers would complain about his rugged, bruised appearance.

10. Enjoying a cocktail at an outdoor café, contemplating his next move, Salvatore ran into Marlon Brando and Orson Welles who were just days away from taking a yachting trip around the Mediterranean. Knowing Salvatore well from his early acting, stand-up, and street fighting days, the two invited Salvatore along with them and it is rumored that the three of them made out a lot during this trip. As none of the three men knew anything about steering a ship, the vessel—predictably—drifted off course and they were forced to jump ship once they began to draw fire from the Libyan military. Salvatore managed to construct a raft from yacht shards and spent 20 days alone at sea before finally washing up on the shores of Crete.

11. While drifting around the Mediterranean, Salvatore had come to the realization that he had enough of the western world and once, if ever, he made it to land he would then begin planning for a trip to Tibet in hopes of gaining admittance into a monastery. Cash, as usual, was hard to come by and Sal was forced to explore other avenues aside from the typical 9 to 5-er. In a late night brainstorm, Sal conceived of numerous Daredevil acts he could complete across Europe: jumping a motorcycle over the rooftops of Knotting Hill, leaping from the Eiffel Tower in a padded bubble suit and nothing else, spending 24 hours in the Boa Constrictor cage at the Moroccan Zoo, and tying a rope to a speedboat in Venice and being pulled by his feet for 6 miles. When the acts were finally completed, Salvatore auctioned off the leather jackets he had worn during each of the stunts with the help of art dealer Izzy Sbaraglio. The jackets brought in a total of 300 grand for Sal and he was thus not only able to spend time in Tibet but also make a lavish trip to Japan.

12. While in Tibet, Salvatore met an ageing Russian millionaire named Igor Tarchinsky. When Tarchinsky heard of Salvatore’s Daredevil stunts he suggested that Salvatore attempt to stow away on the Russian Space Program’s next manned Sputnik Mission. The dare was too enticing for Salvatore to resist. With the help of Tarchinsky, Salvatore was able to hide himself in one of the food compartments, crawled up in a fetal position. Salvatore managed to spend three days in space before being discovered and the shuttle was then forced to end its mission early as the engineers had not factored in another person for the oxygen supply. As soon as the shuttle landed in Moscow, Salvatore leaped from the vehicle and onto the runway where Tarchinsky had a getaway car waiting for him.

13. After an extravagant trip across Asia, sparing no expense for a good time, Salvatore was once again penniless—this time in Singapore. Sal managed to finance his trip back to Europe hustling businessmen in various high stakes poker games along the Orient Express. Sal was kicked off 3 separate trains on suspicion of cheating, but Sal maintained that it was just because he was too good. Sal arrived back in Rome just shy of the 300 grand he left with, but was forced to give away most of it to pay off the Italian Secret Service for protection against the KGB which was now hunting him for the Sputnik incident.

14. While avoiding the KGB, Sal interned at Bruno’s Auto Body in Milan and soon began to take an interest in fixing and racing motorcycles. Sal began to race semi-professionally across the circuits in Italy, Greece, and Spain. At one point ranked as high as 4th in his circuit, Salvatore wiped out hard on the final lap of the Barcelona 200. In what would become his final race, Salvatore broke many ribs, had a severe concussion, and lost half a finger.

15. As Salvatore recovered from his injuries in a Spanish hospital, he began a casual relationship with his nurse, Concepcion. Concepcion became pregnant and Salvatore, afraid of the burden and now fully healed, left Spain for Jerusalem, never paying his hospital bill.

16. Salvatore drove an ambulance in Jerusalem and Greece for the summer. He was shot at three times, one bullet grazing his left thigh. Now a full blown alcoholic, Salvatore began experiencing shortness of breath, delusions that he was God, and complained often about "being tired of doing all this sh%t", saying, "what the f*%k, how much sh#t do I have to do before people realize that with enough time anybody can do anything and there's no such thing as a personality?" To which everybody he talked to replied, "What makes you so special that you think you can just quit on life?" To which Salvatore replied by passing out in a corner. For Salvatore, it was time he returned to America.

17. The plane touched the ground at JFK at 8am on a Thursday and Salvatore emerged from the airline to glimpse a new New York skyline; his hometown which he hadn’t seen in over 15 years. Sal took up a week-to-week lease at a tenement building in Chinatown. Hoping to reconnect with his city and old friends, Sal was disappointed to find that most had moved away and a new generation had taken over. He returned to the deli where he had first defused a robbery as a teenager, but the owner had passed away and the new owner knew nothing of the incident. Sal got an internship at a neighborhood paper, but his articles sucked and he knew it so he quit. Sal packed his belongings, of which he had little, and hitchhiked across country to California.

18. Sal took up surfing while in California, spending most of his time sleeping on other surfers’ friends’ couches, smoking weed, and reading comic books. It was at the recommendation of a friend that Sal decided to enter the Huntington Beach Amateur Surfing Competition. Salvatore only placed 6th, a disappointment by many standards, and also walked away with a sprained wrist. However, it wasn’t his surfing ability but his charm which caught the eye of model and socialite Brooke Banks. Brooke invited Salvatore to be part of her inter-continental entourage and soon Salvatore gained membership to an elite, nameless society of swingers, international playboys, models, and orgy-ists (a person who has orgies). A contingency of the membership is the society would pay for all your travel, expenses, and any other casual purchases and all you have to do is date people, drink, and have romps. The society, just like a charity or a museum, had many wealthy donors across the globe and was reported to have a six-hundred billion dollar slush fund, all backed by silver.

19. Salvatore was having the time of his life as party-boy compatriot to Brooke Banks. The sky was no limit. The credit cards had no limits. Every restaurant bill, hotel bill, $80 fine for parking your Audi on the sidewalk, airline ticket, pack of gum, etc. was paid for by some anonymous accountant in Switzerland. The night never ended and the parties lasted for weeks at a time across many cities and nations. Salvatore became so infamous in Hawaii that he was even offered his own late-night talk show...which bombed horribly and was cancelled after only four weeks on the air. The bungled talk show caused a ripple effect that extended out to almost every aspect of his personal life. At the drop of a hat, Sal’s globetrotting friends would not take his calls and Brooke refused to be seen in public with him. Salvatore pleaded with her to let him back into the circle, saying, “Brooke, please. It was just one mistake.” Brooke’s reply: “One is all it takes.” Salvatore’s credit cards were promptly cut off and he was left in Honolulu with nothing, and no one.

20. He was able to fleece $600 from a pawnshop for his black Armani suit and a Rolex, his only relics from the party life. With the money, Salvatore bought a plane ticket back to LA via Buenos Aires—just because he had never been—and the latest issue of Time Magazine...it had been so long since he knew what was going on in the world or, for that matter, what year it was.

21. Back in LA, Salvatore answered an ad posted in a North Hollywood diner stating: “Private Detective seeks Assistant. Must be 18. Must be willing to Carry a Weapon. Must Be Willing to Travel”. Sal was hired on the spot and handed his Beretta 900. While working under the tutelage of Detective Harry Glannigan, Sal was able to infiltrate the robbery and prostitution rings of Long Beach, Corpus Christi, and Phoenix. During his tenure with Harry, Salvatore recovered 27 kidnapped girls, halted 38 blackmails, and caught 79 cheating husbands. Salvatore attained notoriety within the law enforcement community for his work in apprehending the world-renowned chameleon assassin Kurt Topaz aka The BeefHawk.

22. Although now a largely successful P.I. in his own right, Salvatore took a chance, left P.I. work, and used his leverage in the FBI with the BeefHawk arrest to obtain him an internship as an Assistant to the Communications Director at the US State Department. Within a few months, Salvatore stood out as one of the best of the Spring Interns and was given a full time position. Within a year he had been handed the position of Staff Speechwriter as his daily quips and topical cartoon doodles didn’t go unnoticed.

23. And so began a series of high and low level positions Salvatore would eventually hold in the US Government, which included but were not limited to: State Department’s Deputy Chief Operations Manager; Chair of the Joint Chiefs Advisory Committee; Senior Administrative Strategist; Undersecretary to the Office of the Director; Chief Operations Analyst; Assistant to the Administrator; Second Assistant Executive Officer; Lead Management Analyst; Office Clerk to the Resource Development Assistant; Deputy Chief Counsel; Acting Secretary to the Associate; General Program Assistant; Management Program Analyst for the Chief Administrator; Administrator’s Administrator; Consultant to the Lead Secretary; Staff Advisor; Assistant Officer to the Lead Committee; Chair of the Assistant’s Committee; Executive Supervisor; Support Services to the Managing State Director; Head of the Department on Bureaus; Supervisory Administrator for the Executive Operations Agency; Director of the Office on Committees; Official Chief Associate; Senior Advisor to the Administrative Consultant; Director of Communications; Executive Assistant to the Assistant Operational Managing Executive; Acting Secretary to the State Department’s Bureau of Bureaufication; Associate Special Counsel to the President’s Director of Secretaries; Lead Advisor to the Chief’s Committee; Operations Bureau Manager; Acting Administrator to the Council on Foreign Affairs; Assistant U.S. Deputy for the Bureau of International Organizations; Supervising Consultant to the Communications Division; Chief Organizations Manager for the Affairs Committee; Coordinator Director Advisor; Chief International Development Planner; International Project Manager Assistant; Head of the Committee on Oversights; Senior Research Management Fellow; Executive Advisor on Policy; Head Budget Analyst; Senior Operations Assistant to the Attache; Embassy Coordinator; Acting Secretary to the Assistant’s Speech Writer; Development Assistant for the Administrative Branch; General Secretary to the Consultant Bureau; Deputy Officer of Legislative Affairs; Liaison to the Head of State; Fourth Assistant to the Bureau of Public Affairs; Organizations Manager of the Public Works Department on Documents; Lead Staff for the Project on Bureau Policy; Lobbyist to the Chief Advisor; Advisor to the Private Sector Mandates Unit; Operations Branch Chief Assessor; Director of the Office of Foreign Relations; Intern to the Lead Secretary; Interdisciplinary Chief of Affairs; Senior Coordination Representative; Dockets Operations Officer; Lead Unit Advisor to the Departmental Services Group; Operations Clerk to the Clerk’s Division; Assistant Chair for the Affairs Conference; Assistant to the House on Appropriations; Chief of the Department on Fiscal Earnings & Capital Gains; Member of the Board on International Policy; Chairman of the House Advisor’s Committee; Senior Expert on Policy Management; Division Chief of the Department of Commercial Loan Assistance; Deputy Overseas Assistant; Associate to the Office of Administrative Diplomacy; Lead Analyst for the Integrated Affairs Coalition; Bureau Consultant on Tariffs & Trade Agreements; House Monitor on Infrastructure; and Advisor to the Commerce Regulatory Committee. Of all the positions he held, Salvatore stated, “I think my favorite would have to be Chief Operations Manager for the Affairs Committee, that one really stood out.”

24. After having almost every job there is to have in Washington, Salvatore briefly flirted with a run for President. But he soon found himself embroiled in scandal as hookers from far and wide came out of the woodwork, all eager to dish the dirt on Sal if the price was right—and essentially any price was right. Sal settled with each hooker out-of-court to keep their stories quiet, but in Washington you are guilty when accused and Sal knew that as well as anyone. Sal and his small team of believers cancelled all orders on campaign buttons and t-shirts. The dream was dead. Sal was offered a range of behind-the-scenes, consultant work from old colleagues but declined all the offers. Salvatore sublet what remained on the lease for his apartment in Georgetown. He put most of his belongings in storage and moved to Amsterdam where he holed himself up in a barren one-bedroom apartment, smoked hash and watched old movies.

25. Sal returned to America in September 1990 where he found himself eventually caught up almost every American fad of the 90s: Ska Music, Swing Music, Shirts with one Horizontal Stripe across the chest, The Caesar haircut, Gigapets, Jim Morrison posters, ADD, Seltzer Water, Marilyn Manson, Disaster movies, Baggy Jeans, Clamdiggers, Lollapalooza, Back-Pack purses, Adidas windpants, Cargo pants, Fishing hats, JNCO, Fleece, Warheads, Jones Soda, Bottled Water, "Don't Go There", "Eat Me", Parental Advisory logo, Furbys, Tomagatchis, Laser Pointers, Dave Matthews, The Spice Girls, The Sosa-McGuire Home Run Chase, Mia Hamm, South Park, Pam & Tommy, Friends starring David Schwimmer, Elian Gonzalez, Ricky Martin, Y2K, KoRn, Sheep cloning, the Mall of America, Showgirls, Limp Bizkit, and, of course, North Carolina gear.

26. As the fads died down along with the decade, Salvatore remembered a poignant insight he had made in college but could never fully act upon. As he would later be quoted in an article for GQ, Salvatore thought his real passion lied in internships: “I was sitting in class, at the University, and pondering the question that is so often asked of our youth, 'What do you want to do?' I thought about it for a minute and realized that the only burning passion I had was to spend the rest of my life in and out of school--a class here, a workshop there--and to attempt to do internship after internship, move city to city, casual relationship to casual relationship, with no real commitment to anyone or anything.” Salvatore soon began a series of consecutive yet unrelated internships, 700 to be exact. He was a bus driver, a priest, a male stripper, a teacher, a piano mover, a dishwasher, and everything in between.

27. While doing an internship with the LA Crips, Salvatore was asked to drive a Caddy en route to a brutal drive-by plot but was able to weasel his way out by saying he had to "get home". A few days later, Salvatore found himself and a few other Crips engaged in a shootout behind the 7-11 at the corner of La Brea and 60th. Sal survived with only minor injuries but the loss of his mentor, Dizzy O, to the gun battle left Sal with nothing but a dirty, filthy conscience and some Hennessey.

28. At his emptiest point ever and in the jaws of defeat, Salvatore miraculously had a vision of three ideas for films as he lay in a pile of garbage behind a liquor store:
    1. Romantic Comedy meets Identity-Switching Movie...A guy and girl fall in love at a theme park. The next morning, she wakes up with the body of a dog and he now lives in the 1800s, plus he was 18 before and now he's 40.
    2. Adventure meets 3D Animation Kids Movie...A bunch of Office Supplies come alive at night when everyone goes home. One of the Staplers loses his Stapler Son and they all have to band together to sneak around the town/building, avoid the night time cleaning ladies, and pull off difficult maneuvers to get Stapler Son back.
    3. Remake...just remake a Movie or TV Show from the 70s or 80s.
In Hollywood, the reception to Sal’s ideas were lukewarm at best, especially because he had no source of funding, no notable actors interested, and no script.

29. Deadbeat, still defeated, and a complete washout, Salvatore did 9000 more internships and resurrected his career with the smash-hit short-film Championship Gangsters. Critics liked it and that's basically all that you need. From there, a career as a film and music producer was born. And the rest is history.

30. Recently, Salvatore penned this note to his fans as well as his detractors:

I dated young, hot actresses and let them buy me meals. I went to Europe and got a blowjob. I know how to cook and I know how to do it well. I’ve got the stainless steel bowls and the whisks and everything. Just this afternoon I had kalamata olives stuffed with endives, spiced ginger, and roasted red bell pepper, along with a side of yellow summer squash, dried snow peas, and minced garlic cloves; all marinated in buttermilk.
I’m not just the American Dream...I’m the Universal Dream. I’m free-er than a bird because I own my own jet and I’m bipedal. When something’s wrong I perform surgery on myself. When my car breaks down I fix it...with tools...that I know how to use. When I’m taken to court I’m my own lawyer. I wow the jury and the courtroom but rarely the judge...because judges have sticks up their a%ses.
I’m 16 different races.
I don’t trust computers...I keep all my data upstairs...the original hard drive. I use computers to do what I want, to do what needs done, and nothing else. I don’t check email or send e-cards, I’m too freiking tough and old-fashioned and I guess when it comes down to it I think that people that fought in World War II rock and nobody else.
I’m a stand up comic but I don’t write material...I just go on stage and make stuff up once I see the audience.
I’ve devoted my life to being the best and I am the best. You can’t say I’m not. And that’s all I ask for...is an amazing reputation, posthumous or otherwise. Make sure I go down in history as a sweet dude! See y’all.
Sincerely,
Sir Dr. Salvatore D’Intern, esq. PhD.

POETRY
Among his works of poetry are The Postulate (1953), Memoirs of a Poet (1962), The Human Slingshot (1976), Rambo IV (1978), 2 Cool Moms (1980), I've Got a New Best Friend (1981), The History of Russia (1982), On Dynasties (1987), We Thought It Would be Fun (1989), I Gave Up On People When... (1993), and The Salvatore D'Intern Reader (1995, 3rd edition).

AWARDS
Sal was nominated for a Chunky Beard Journalism Award for "My Zany Run-Ins With the Paris Police & Other Ramblings," which appeared in the May 1998 issue of Conde Nast Traveler; for a Lukacs Award for "The Schaudenfreude of America," which appeared in the Danish newspaper Politiken, November 14, 1991; and for the Honore de Flame Impossible Journalism Award for "Trying to Get Cozy in Tanzania, Failing," which appeared in the Parade section of The New York Times, July 1986. In 1995, Sal received the Ronny Ganz Excellence in Mentoring Award from Harvard University's Graduate School of Arts and Sciences.

GRANTS & FELLOWSHIPS
SAL has sent emails to people in the U.S., Europe, Africa, India, and Australia, and has worked somewhat collaboratively with choreographers, directors, and musicians in the United States and Europe, including Havealth Theater Studio; Egomaniac Theater (receiving a 1987 "Chunky" Award for Sprinting); computer nerd Ted Do; videographer Kat Kitchen; theater director Joseph; theatre director David Alan Grizzly and lighting designer Bob Bees on performances of Swashmarm; Peggy Large on Sneeze (nominated for a Pat Blanket Design Award 1992) and playwright Jeff Mamet. He has received grants and commissions from a number of sources, including a Fulbright Research Grant to study dinosaurs; a Somalia Museum of Modern Stuff residency; JCBT for a residency in Durham, NC; a Sleazy Foundation grant, and numerous grants from the Vermont Arts Council.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Salvatore lives in both New York and Pittsburgh. Admittedly, he spends most of his time perfecting his MySpace profile. To this day, he is still known for being able to retain massive amounts of information. He has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 3 weeks.